Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Wife Rule #3: The Little Things Just Don't Matter

My wife and I both unroll toilet paper from the top, and we both squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle. So you'd figure we've got it made, right? But wait--enter bathroom cabinet drawers and our simple life becomes more complicated. You see, my wife loves to leave cabinet drawers open. When I walk in the bathroom, I am greeted by the unsightly sight of the toothpaste and Q-tips and a drawer full of other very personal cosmetical type items, all of which are gloating and sneering at me.

"Ha ha," they say, "We are clearly in a drawer which was meant to stay shut, but HERE WE ARE, out in the open, right in your face! Plus, with our combined weight hanging precariously out in the open end of the drawer, we are likely to weaken the drawer supports, eventually causing the drawer to collapse and leading to the downfall of the entire bathroom cabinetry, taking the hairdryer and other more expensive cosmetical type items with us. You are DOOMED!"

Well, this type of behavior just can't be tolerated, or democracy and the Bill of Rights and Oprah and everything would soon crumble. So naturally, I shut the drawer. Just for good measure, to show those Q-tips a thing or two, I give it a little extra "umph," producing a nice little BAM as the drawer makes contact with the cabinet.

In the bedroom, my wife flinches. You see, through some phenomenon I will probably never understand (just like electromagnetism, I'm sure you can relate), the little BAM absolutely frays her nerves.

"Please don't slam the drawer," she calls to me casually.

"Please shut the drawer when you are done with it," I retort back. "Not shutting it will ruin the drawer. And then no more Oprah Winfrey." For some reason, this perfectly logical logic is lost on her.

Before you know it, our minor annoyance at one another's behavior, like the last chili bean doused in Tabasco sauce in the proverbial pot that you knew you really shouldn't have eaten, but did anyway, has caused us to, well, feel some painful discomfort and bloating. No, really, the minor annoyance has caused us to feel like the other person is way out of line, while we of course are completely justified in feeling the way we do. Soon we are both plotting our next moves: she will open up every drawer in the bathroom, and I will wait until just the right moment (preferably when she's drifting off to sleep) to slam them shut.

Thankfully, we quickly come to our senses, and realize that our happy marriage and our kids' entire future lives are slightly more important than the Battle of the Drawers (which would be a great new hit TV Reality show, don't you think?) So we cast our annoyances aside and embrace and apologize. And the next time I enter our bathroom, if the drawers happen to be open, I close them quietly. She's worth it.


Brooke said...

I hate the sound of drawers closing. It's true. It is especially bad after 8 pm when, as everyone knows, noises all amplify through the dark air and reach near deafening levels.

But, I don't remember it happening quite like this. I seem to remember banging drawers, newly-awakened screaming kids, mirrors crashing, and the like. It's a good thing I'm forgiving.

LuckyMatt said...

Ha! If you remember crashing mirrors, it's only because the drawer, after being left open too long, decided to take the mirror down with it.

erich said...

I meant to spend just a few minutes, and I spent over an hour. You have a creative way of seeing the world, and it makes a nice addition to the heavy spiritual content. Very well crafted and true. I think you should package together some of your most catchy, and send it off to deseret book (as long as brooke complies). I think you have some really entertaining stuff in there.