Wife Rule #5: Never Mess with a Woman Who Sings Pirate Songs

A secret. She kept it from me for the longest time. And then one day, while we were still engaged, when she was in a particularly good mood, out it came: "Oooooooooooh, a pirate's life is a wonderful life! A driftin' over the sea..."

She blurted it out with such gusto that I admit, it caught me off guard.

This is a good thing to find out before we tie the knot, I thought to myself. She likes to sing pirate songs. But what does this really mean? Is there some dark secret in her past? Does it involve booty? Swiss bank accounts?

I didn't have any answers, and this was definitely something I needed to get to the bottom of. Only trouble is, like so many other things womanly, there was no immediate explanation for this mysterious behavior. Thus, I had no choice but to be patient. I took a chance and married her anyway.

Amid the bliss of newly-wed life, the Pirate Song would occasionally surface, like a Phantom Shadow that crosses briefly over the Garden of Happiness, causing the Buttercups of Bliss to briefly shudder their Petals of Serenity. You know exactly what I mean.

Despite the sinister undercurrent, over time I discovered that there were certain advantages to being married to a self-proclaimed pirate. For one, she is very good with a knife. She can cut vegetables like they're scurvy scalliwags, and skewer chicken like a bilge rat.

She is also versed in the fine art of pirate torture. When youngin's are resisting washing their hair in the bath, she is quite proficient at dunking the ornery landlubbers. She can keehaul the little hearties, or make them walk the plank, whatever it takes.

And we must mention, of course, that she's very good with her booty. Enough said.

So, I'm married to a pirate. I'm okay with that. I still haven't gotten to the bottom of her secret--I may sleep forever in Davy Jones' locker before I do. But through our years of adventures and conquests together, this much I know: a pirate wife is a wonderful wife!