Wife Rule #83: Read the Good Book (I)

In the classic play Fiddler on the Roof, Jewish father and folk-philosopher Reb Tevia often begins his observations with "as the Good Book says..." as a preface to some ridiculous proverb of folksy wisdom that clearly originated in his own head, for his own convenient purposes. For example:

"As the Good Book says, if you spit in the air, it lands in your face."

True enough, and all-too-often applicable, but clearly not found in the Good Book.

At least that's what I used to think.

I have lately become a little more open-minded about new sources of light and knowledge. You see, I have been doing a little archaeological digging myself, and I came across a most unusual document. I've studied it extensively and had several Biblical scholars and students of ancient manuscripts examine it. We have all agreed, based on a bunch of technical mumbo-jumbo that's way beyond the scope of a Wife Rule, that this manuscript is at least ten years old.

So technically, it should have some authority based on its age alone. Plus, I found it in a box of old memorabilia my wife has maintained, so if she values it, it must be good. Having said that, it's authenticity is questionable so it should be considered apocryphal at best. But as I have studied and pondered it myself, I have come to realize that it is just chock-full of truth. Thus I have decided to publish this work here in my Wife Rules, in its entirety, for the first time, so that the posterity of today's generation might not lose any valuable wisdom found therein.

This new "Good Book" is relatively short, but I have decided to publish it one chapter at a time, so that you might have ample opportunity to ponder the messages it contains.

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A FEW NOTES ON THIS PUBLICATION THAT ARE NOT TOO TECHNICAL FOR A WIFE RULE:

1) The chapter summaries in italics at the beginning of each chapter are printed exactly as found in the manuscript. So are the footnotes, which I highly recommend reading.

2) Through thorough investigation, I have determined that the footnotes use the following abbreviations:
TG for "Topical Guide," a concordance listing cross-references by subject, in this book and other better-known Good Books
IE retains its classical literary meaning; i.e., it means "in other words"
HEB means that what follows is an alternate translation from the Hebrew

3) Scholars agree that the name of the subject of the author's interest was almost certainly not "Crystal Waters," as first mentioned in Chapter 3 verse 6, though there may be some symbolic significance in this particular choice for a name substitute.

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THE BOOK OF LOVE

CHAPTER 1

The author begins the new semester--he looks upon many fish, but longs to catch the Big One.

^aAND it came to pass that in the ^btenth hour of the morning on the first day of the new semester that I did find myself in a very large and spacious room. And the room was filled with all manner of people, that their numbers did seem to be as great as the sands of the sea.
 2  And I looked upon the many fish in the room, and I did behold that there were fish of every kind, but I did more especially look upon the ^afemale fish. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.
 3  And after many days I did make some acquaintance with some fish, insomuch that I did say to myself, Biology 130 will be a righteous class.
 4  But inwardly I longed to catch the ^aBig One.

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Footnotes for Chapter 1
1^a Though scriptorians and songwriters alike have researched extensively, the question of who wrote "The Book of Love" remains a mystery. The research leaves no doubt, however, that the author was both a gentleman and a stud.
1^b TG Early; Ambition
2^a TG Babes; Scoping Out the Situation
4^a TG Marriage, Celestial; Righteous Desires